I am growing to really appreciate this time of elevated consciousness that we are in at present. The capitalistic co-opting of “self-care” aside, I’m encouraged by the collective desire to better ourselves and our communities. You can’t scroll through Instagram without being bombarded with memes challenging you to do more and do better. Some are comical in their approach, others feel like a punch to the gut. To quot one of my favorite lines from A Belle in Brooklyn “Instead of attacking the truth, evaluate the sting.”
If you’ve read any of my previous posts you can probably see where this post is going… back to the work.
After years of questioning my commitment to art, lamenting over impostor syndrome, and reexamining my WHY, I realized the thing I kept leaving out of the conversation… the truth.
The truth came to me about a month ago as I sat in a cafe with my friend Jacqueline. An amazing friend and photographer (and ceramist and food justice advocate), she always encourages me to create. For 10 years we have been having the same conversations and for 10 years I have been giving various versions of the same answers. Until October 23rd. I don’t know what was in my latte that day but when she asked why I stopped making work, I finally told her the truth. The truth is I lack the confidence that comes with knowing your craft because I haven’t been dedicated to really learning my craft. The words stung as they left my mouth. They still sting. No artist wants to admit that they’ve chosen to be a novice for 10+ years.
I was reminded during a conversation with another friend that I came into photography at a time when being self taught was all the rage. A badge of honor if you will. The part I’ve been missing was the teaching or rather the learning. I stopped being a student. I attempted to use what I had and let my work speak for itself, but it (I) never quite said enough. So I hid behind these ideas about inspiration and motivation (and the lack of it) instead of owning my truth and more importantly, honing my skills.
“Don’t be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away.” - Paulo Coelho
Elevated Consciousness
Getting to the place of honoring the truth, my truth, wasn’t some grand gesture. It wasn’t an “Ah Ha” moment. For the past couple of years I have been very intentional about understanding the behaviors holding me back from living my best life. I’ve read a few books that have really helped reshape my perspective about life and my experience of it. None more important than The Untethered Soul. This book continues to help me see ways in which I attempt to control situations, create stories in my mind based on my desires, and criticize current situations based on past feelings. It’s all about honoring the present moment for what it is. No expectations, no disappointments. Just living moment to moment. It’s hard. If you’re into that sort of thing, I highly recommend it.
THIS SHIT IS HARD. But its worth it. I’m seeing through my own bullshit without trying to justify it. For a person that has been married to the stories I’ve made up in my head FOREVER, this is a major shift. Having this thought process translate to my creative work is new and exciting. I’ve tried to break through creative blocks before but I only nicked at the surface. Working on the whole of who I am, who I’ve been, now I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere.
That where is here. Right now. Embracing the fact that I don’t know shit. That I have much to learn. And if I want to do this, really do this, I have to put in the work to really know my craft.